the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
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I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same