Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.