me doing my best
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.