Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
what the
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day