Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I like crazy people until they notice me
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
😂💯
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”