My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
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[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
me hooking up with my ex
Seas the day!!!!
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then