“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
#Caturday
The news
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.