Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
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The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke