It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
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me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is