Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes