angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up