[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
it was a valiant fight
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?