my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
R.I.P.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.