ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Peace was never an option
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
When can I start eating bats again.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense