I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.