JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
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*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it