I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
You Might Also Like
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to