My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
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MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
The photographer’s assistant
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*