Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?