was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
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Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Are these grass-fed oranges?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it