Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.