My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
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It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Only a mother’s love …
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
was Jim off killing horses or…
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.