I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.