Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
#oldknees
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”