The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
You Might Also Like
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
*weighs self after shaving
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed