Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
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Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Important reminders
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.