I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
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People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
sleeping beauty
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
If you know, you know
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.