Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
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It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.