Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets