WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
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*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?