I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
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Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*