*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
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“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat