Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
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My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I am never leaving this website
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs