Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter