My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Thank you corporation very cool
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Monday?
No. Next question.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face