I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
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subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents