5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
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ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.