Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Previously On Persistence 😎
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.