The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.