Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
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My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
mentally somewhere in italy
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.