*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
How to draw a duck
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
all bases covered
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Seas the day!!!!
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?