What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
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Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.