Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
2022: I can fix it
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.