I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
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JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing