Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
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[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Dolls on drugs
why does this building look like a guilty dog
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people: