When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Pickled cat.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business