[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
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Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.