2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors