Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
You Might Also Like
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.