There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi